"We all make Choices"

I've been Sorting again, mostly with an eye to consolidating my worldly belongings as I deal with the latest bad attack of wanderlust. In the last two years, I've discovered I can exist quite happily for a month at a time with only what I can fit into my "Dead Body" suitcase and a daypack. Admittedly I've done this by living in a place where the climate is mild and there are laundry facilities--but there were also the considerations of being reasonably well groomed while on duty, and comfortable off-duty. I managed, quite happily!

So I'm looking round myself and asking what's so important about all the "stuff" in my life. I like creating beautiful things. I like existing among beautiful things, but right at the moment I don't have a real desire to OWN lots of beautiful things. (This is probably an overreaction to my current job and the overwhelming conclusion I've reached that all the unhappy, frustrated people I listen to and try to help night after night are practicing "retail therapy"--and it doesn't appear to be working.) Since I can only try to help them with the obvious issues, and it would be presumptuous to ask if those are the "real" issues, I'm spending time addressing my own. I CAN do something about them.

So there I was, Sorting. Gotta watch that. I have a tendency to print out, or write up what bothers me and needs more consideration--and then I lose it in my vast, disorganised memory box. I ran across one of those time bombs, a letter from one of my dearly loved brothers, and read it because , I cherish them. Urk. I didn't save it because it was a nice letter; it was a rather sweeping condemnation, and completely took my breath away at the time I received it. I remember crying myself to sleep over it. Now? Well, I'm writing about it, because it ties into some of the decisions I made years ago, and have recently spent some time re-examining.

Early in her career as a psych person, my mother told me it was better to sort out one's issues with the originator, or one would feel compelled to find similar situations over and over again till one had resolved them. They were painful enough the first time, thanks. I've found a mentor since then, and a number of very strong role models who are willing to listen, and support, and give me loving feedback right between the eyes when its necessary--and then be there while I work it through. That's key. My own philosophy is not to drop any bombs unless I plan to be 'round to deal with the fallout. That means deciding the outcome is important--REALLY important. As for the time bomb? I read it, and shredded it.--and decided the decisions of years ago still stand. I am responsible for my actions, and also for my reactions. Truly, as long as I like the person in the mirror, I'm doing all right.

One of my last reality checks from my mentor is still resonating. If anything, its picked up a whole series of harmonics, in the way that Very Important Statements do. "Honor And Acknowledge". Her point was that I should consider carefully before I put myself in any more situations which were hurtful because the persons I was with couldn't see me, and celebrate me for who I am. The harmonics have developed because I have first to Honor and Acknowledge myself. The person I see in the mirror these days is a bit tired(usually) and a bit stressed(almost always), but I also see real humor, and a joy of life, and confidence. That, I can work with--and other things will follow. As for time bombs? They make a wonderful, ripping, crunching noise as they run through the shredder. I Choose, to See ME!