On Bathing Cats...

There are few compelling reasons to bathe a cat, but it does come up periodically. Pick a sunny day, Start early. Begin by roasting a chicken. Dress appropriately: thick fleece vest, ratty clothes. You will get wet, and claws are sharp. The vest will allow the cat to grab you without inflicting damage. Clear the area of all breakable items. Pick a neutral scented shampoo and conditioner. If possible, pre-dilute these for ease of application. You won't have any extra hands to deal with caps, etc., and the longer it takes to work up a lather, the more of the cat's limited patience you will expend. If possible, pre-set the water temperature. If it feels good to you, it will feel good to the cat--unless you're into frigid showers... Catch the cat off-guard, preferrably just after it wakes up from a nap. Head for the kitchen. Its been smelling the chicken for an hour or more, and will assume you're about to feed it interesting things... Place the cat in the sink. Work quickly now... Wet the cat. Those new kitchen faucets with the built-in sprayers are ideal! Apply shampoo and lather. Be thorough; you get one chance to do it right. Rinse the cat, ditto. Apply conditioner, re-rinse, and squeeze off the excess water. This really is easier after the conditioner. Wrap the cat in the largest, thickest towel you own and start blotting. Once you're sure you won't be leaving tidal pools behind, transport the cat to the drying area. If you've never blow-dried the cat before, start gently, somewhere like its back, with the dryer on low heat and speed settings. This is a good time to remember that at least temporarily, the cat is NOT YOUR FRIEND. Don't take it personally. So far he's been snookered and you've taken liberties. Cats are smart. Once their fur starts to dry, they figure out it feels good. They'll stop trying to escape, and concentrate on thinking up ways to get even later. You can turn up the heat and speed on the dryer now..., and move faster. This is essential. It takes at least five times as long to blow dry a cat as it does a cooperative human, and you've already thoroughly tried the cats patience. If you can, this is a good time to let the cat escape briefly. Make sure the door is closed, allow the cat to leave, and give your arms and ears a rest. Having checked out the lack of exits, the cat will review your antecedents in some detail, and settle down to groom itself dry. It will figure out you were doing a better job, and there's a long way to go. D.C. al fine. Once you're satisfied the cat is (mostly) dry, allow it to exit with dignity, and start the cleanup. By the time the loose drifts of cat fur are subdubed and order is restored, the cat has had time to regroup, and realise it feels much better. This still doesn't mean the cat is your friend. Time for the bribes. Sneak past the cat into the kitchen, and chop up a plate of the roast chicken. As it shows up, primed for retaliation, slide the chicken under its nose. Leave immediately. This isn't the time for dignified conversation. Make sure your bedroom door is closed, and head for the shower. You don't look good covered in cat fur... Sometime later, bathed, groomed, and perfumed, you proceed to the office, where you discover the cat, steaming gently in a pool of sunlight. It looks cute, and content, and its purring at you. Don't be fooled. Cats are extremely successful predators. For the rest of the day, you follow the cat round, making sure it has every creature comfort, and is resting peacefully. Finally, the cat is curled up in a carefully arranged sleeping bag in the armchair, snoring. It looks happy and harmless. Nap time; the bath was exhausting for everyone. Be very, very sure your bedroom door is closed...